Are you really Scottish?
More and more people around the World are looking to Scotland
as their ancestral home. Right now, you may be asking yourself, "Perhaps I am really Scottish?" but are unable
to provide a satisfactory answer.
For those of us North of the Boarder, we know if we are Scottish or not. But there are some South
of the Boarder and throughout the World who may have great dodes of Scottish blood surging through their veins and be completely
unaware of this.
Do you like your whisky neat? Do you wake up at night with a strange yearning for kippers? You might
just be Scottish (or you might be pregnant - who knows!)
So to find out if you are a closet Scotsman, we here at Inchbrakie.com have devised a scientific
test that should be able to ascertain once and for all if you are in reality a Jock. Please answer the following questions,
thinking carefully about each one. Note your answers down on a piece of paper, so that you can add up your score at
the end and come to a scientifically balanced result of just how Scottish you really are.
This test is only available for men. Web are hoping that one day, Scottish scientists will devise
a test for the fairer sex.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable
of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the Prime Minister.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Pawn it.
2. As you grow older, what aspect
of your youth do you miss the most?
c. The bowl.
3. When is it OK to hug another
a. He's your father and at least
one of you has a fatal disease.
b. When you're performing the Heimlich manoeuvre.
c. When he's a policeman and you are trying to throttle him.
4. When is it okay to kiss another
a. When you wish to display simple
and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope.
c. One more stupid question like that and I'll put the hied on yer!
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral
is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and
console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the Scotsman who died broken-hearted . . .
6. In your opinion, which of the
following is the REAL Scottish national anthem . . .
a. Flower of Scotland
b. Scotland the Brave
c. The Welly Boot Song
7. You have been seeing a woman
for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the
two of you are taking it easy --when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the
two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon
to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe Rangers are two-down halfway through the season.
8. OK, so you have decided that
you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant
and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach and with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes,
you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. So you marry and settle down
and have kids. One morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first
question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They go to school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it OK to throw away
a set of old underpants?
a. When it has turned the colour
of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away old underpants. A real Scotsman checks the wheelie-bin regularly in case somebody--and
we are not naming names, but this could be the wee wifey--is quietly trying to discard such a treasured family heirloom.
11. What, in your opinion, is the
most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He refused to ask directions.
c. He was an English tourist.
12. What is the human race's single
c. Deep frying.
How to score: Give yourself a point
for every time you picked answer 'c' and give yourself three extra points if you were able to tell the joke about the Scotsman
who died broken hearted
0 - 6 Sassenach!
7 - 10 You're all right
11 - 15 Could you lend us
a Dollar, only I'm kind of short right now?